Doc: And what can I do for you?
Me: Erm...my leg fell off in a freak cheese grating accident.
Doc: *big inhalation to indicate how stressful it is for him to be patient and polite* Well I recommend you use a small sticking plaster. Come back and see me if the leg hasn't grown back in a couple of years.

I know his kids and they're perfectly nice people so surely he can't be that bad. It's bad to hate people isn't it?

We had our first Christmas catalogue this morning. It's spirit sapping. I know people have complained about the build up to the world cup but this is far worse. We're not even half way through the year yet and we're supposed to start pawning everything we own to buy overpriced goods that will break within 6 months of being opened.

You'll be glad to hear that you can officially love me for my money now. You couldn't before because I didn't have any, but now I do. Apparently my parents took out life insurance on me and now it's matured so I get the money. They must be so gutted that I didn't die! The only thing that bothers me is that the company sent the letter to Mr Joanne Cartwright. Do they know something I don't or is the whole thing a practical joke?

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